Giving trust a chance
by Kassandra Luem
Summary: LS, Lilly tries to cope with Kite breaking up with her, but doesn't manage quite so well. Guess who's there to help her...I suck at summaries, but please r&r!


My first Cold Case- ff, so please r&r!

LS, of course (I'm a huge shipper, have to admit...)

Charas don't belong to me... Oh, if they did... let's better not think about it..

**

* * *

**

**Giving trust a chance**

,Who hurt you so much?''

Her heart nearly missed a beat. How could he know?

,James…''

She didn't know what to say. Her mind was blank except for one question: How could he know? How the hell could he know that she was crying herself to sleep every night because it had been shattered into pieces by the one person she had let in.

,James…'', she made a new attempt, this time stronger,no one hurt me.''

And now she was lying to the only friend she had.

_Well done, Rush. Really well done._

The harder she tried to concentrate on what James was saying, the more detailed she saw Kite right in front of her when he was ending their relationship. She swallowed hard.

And she had thought that she was good at pretending. That no-one would notice the real Lilly Rush behind her cold, tough,thank-you-but –I'm-fine'' façade. Well, it seemed that she had been wrong. Her stomach twisted at that thought and her heart almost broke her chest.

She needed her walls. She was nothing without them. She simply couldn't bear it if everyone saw the devastated place where heart had once been. She had to protect what was left of it with all of her remaining strength.

She really needed to get out of there, before she did something stupid. Something stupid like bursting out into tears right in front of James or, even more stupid, like telling him how she felt.

Lilly Rush, you won't let this little incident break your walls. You won't let it happen, got it? And now get your ass out of there!

But she just wanted to talk to someone. She wasn't the strong, tough woman she pretended to be and she knew it. She just wanted someone to listen and to understand her. Someone who'd give her some of his strength when she had none, someone to hold her when she cried.

Oh yeah, good idea, Rush. Remember the last time you've been that stupid? Really, Rush, think before you wish!

She could feel the tears begin to prickle behind her eyes. But there was no way she'd ever cry in public.

,Alright then, James, I've got to go.''

And so she finally made her way out of the building. Outside, Scotty was waiting for her.

,And what did your admirer have to say?''

Damn it, she had totally forgotten about him. With the greatest effort she was able to make, she swallowed down her tears and put on her ,don't-piss-me–off, you'll-regret-it'' face.

,Just drop it, Scotty, alright?'', she asked in a voice that almost froze the air and that stopped him from continuing the conversation.

* * *

He was worried about her. Since she and Kite had broken up, he had hardly seen her smile. Instead she was even more withdrawn than usual and pushed him away like he was going to harm her only by asking how her weekend had been. And she had made a habit out of shooting those icy glares at people who caught her in the wrong moment. Like he obviously had. 

But he could have sworn that he had seen tears glittering in her eyes as she had left the building. And this was what he worried about most. Some nights, when they were the only ones left in the precinct he saw her hastily wipe away some tears from the corner of her eyes when he came back from getting himself a new cup of coffee.

He wished she'd talk to him. He'd offered it so many times. He had thought that they had become friends of somewhat. She had even told him something about her childhood, one of Lilly Rush's most guarded secrets.

He knew she was having a hard time and wished she'd let him help her. But she hid in her shell of toughness and unapproachability.

They drove in silence. She stared out of the window, but he could see her face in its reflection. She seemed even paler than usual and she was tense. Her lips were pressed together and formed a thin, almost invisible line.

He could tell that something bad had happened inside, while he had let her alone with James. He could tell from the haunted look in her eyes and from what else he had noticed, studying her face.

But since she didn't want to talk to him, he had to wait till she choose to let him in.

Lilly felt that he was watching her. She knew he was trying to figure out what was going on with her. She knew he just wanted to help, but she was afraid to talk to him. What if she wasn't able to put up her walls again after letting them down for him? What if he rebuilt her heart just to break it again? Because she knew, she couldn't bear it once again. And so she'd go on pretending that she was alright, although they both knew she wasn't.

* * *

Later that day, they both sat at their desks as Scotty asked all of a sudden 

,Wanna grab some dinner?''

It was ten p.m. and she hadn't eaten anything the whole day. Additionally she wanted to apologize to Scotty for snapping at him several times this day without any reason. And she knew, he wouldn't push her to talk if she didn't want to. So she said yes without reflecting long. She knew that another reason she just didn't want to admit to herself was that she couldn't stand the thought of returning to her empty house and another lonely night.

A short time later they were sitting in the small diner not far from the department, discussing whether autumn or spring was the most beautiful season. Sometimes he saw her smile, but that sadness in her eyes still didn't disappear. But he was pleased just to see her smile, which was a big step compared to the weeks ago. He felt like making her forget everything, even if it was only for a short time, was the best he could do for her.

Lilly looked at him and found herself enjoying this evening. Surprisingly enough she hadn't thought about Kite and the question why nobody seemed to be able to love her for quite a while now. She visibly relaxed and smiled at Scotty. Her walls were strong. Neither James nor Kite were able to break them. She was safe.

Scotty noticed her relax and almost sighed in relief.

The next few minutes were filled with laughter, each of them enjoying each other's company. Scotty was thankful for being able to help her and Lilly was thankful for him helping her, although she'd never admit that even she sometimes needed help.

Outside it was dark and since it was almost 11 pm, they were the only guests left in the diner. The radio was playing softly in the background and when the waitress came to ask if they wanted some coffee, one song ended and the first tacts of the next one flew slowly through the air.

When Lilly recognized the song, it made her heart clench and a huge lump rose in her throat.

Damn it. Damnit, damnit. Rush, you're in trouble.

It was ,let's dance'', the song she and Kite had been dancing to when she had agreed to go out with him for the first time. Now it seemed to be a million years away that she had been that happy.

She could feel her eyesget wetand she knew there was no way of holding back the tears any longer. In one sharp movement she stood up and almost ran out of the diner, desperately wiping at her eyes in order to stop the tears from falling, but she wasn't very successful since there were just too many of them.

Scotty looked after his partner in shock. He didn't know what had just happened. One moment, they had been sitting here, chatting, even laughing and the next one she turned ivory white, was on the verge of tears and just stormed away.

He didn't know what had hit her so badly, but he knew that he wasn't going to leave her alone right now. So he quickly threw some money on the table and followed her out.

It didn't take him long to find her. She was standing with her back to him, just a few inches away from the door. She had buried her face in her hands and her back was rocked by sobs she desperately tried to suppress.

He didn't know how she'd react to him, but he couldn't help the feeling of protectiveness and genuine affection that washed over him as he saw her standing there. She seemed so lost, so alone.

So he slowly walked over to her and gently placed a hand on her small shoulder.

,Lil? You alright?''

What a dumb question was that? Obviously she wasn't. Scotty mentally kicked himself for that opening and was surprised that she even answered.

,Scotty…''

She desperately tried to compose herself and stop crying. She didn't want to be seen like that. She needed him to know her as Lilly Rush, the capable detective that could take care of herself, not as the sobbing, lonely woman that couldn't stop crying like a child.

She squeezed her eyes shut in order to stop more tears from escaping and she struggled with her sobs as hard as she could, but she still felt the tears falling from her lashes and she knew that her trembling shoulders gave her away.

Damn it, Lilly Rush, will you stop crying now! You won't tell anyone, because no-one wants to know what a wreck you are! What do you think he'd do if he knew how you felt, hm? He'd react just like everybody else and push you away. Who'd want someone like you? Just accept it, you'll always be alone.

She even cried harder when she heard that tiny little voice in the back of her head.

Suddenly she felt someone softly grabbing her shoulders and turning her around. Then there was a finger that gently lifted up her chin.

Slowly she opened her eyes just to meet Scotty's warm look, filled with caring and affection where she had expected pity and some kind of rejection. His loving look gave her the rest and when she felt herself gently being pulled into a tight embrace she didn't refuse but buried her head on his chest.

He gently stroke her hear and began to rub circles on the small of her back.

,Hey Lilly, it's alright. It will be alright. Believe me. Shh, it's okay.''

He whispered into her ear softly caressing her tear-stained cheek with his thumb.

She finally opened her eyes again and the look she gave him nearly broke his heart. She looked so scared.

And suddenly he realized what she meant to him. She was more than only a friend to him. He never wanted to see her cry any more, he never wanted her to be sad any more because he was in love with her.

Now he finally made his mind up to it and all of his love was evident in his eyes as he returned her gaze.

He saw her frowing and then she pulled away from his embrace and turned around again. When he saw her back tremble again, he immediately felt guilty, because he was sure she had seen how he felt. He had confronted her with his feelings when she needed a friend, not something more to deal with.

,Look, Lil, I'm sorry.''

He managed, as he placed his hands once again on her quivering shoulders.

,I know it isn't the right time for it. But yet I want you to know that I love you and that I'll always be there for you.''

She spun on her heel.

,Yeah? And you really think I believe that? You'll just turn away at some point like everyone else. And you'll leave me with nothing but a broken heart and one reason more not to sleep at night. You love me? Don't give me that shit. No-one can love me!''

Her voice cracked in the last sentence. She stood there, her eyes red from crying and glittering with more unshed tears, her face already tear-stained and her hands resting on her hips. His heart went completely out to her.

This time he wouldn't let her turn again. He grabbed her shoulders, now fully understanding her fear. It wasn't fear of him, it was fear of being abandoned from someone she loved, like she had already experienced it too many times in her life.

He took her face between his hands and looked directly into her eyes.

,No Lilly, you are wrong. You're worth being loved and trust me, you are loved. I don't know what gave you this idea, but what I know is that I do love you. I love you, Lilly Rush, no matter what happened in the past.''

Normally she would have laughed at anyone telling her something as corny as this, but the honesty in his eyes and in his voice just made her look at him in disbelief, clearly stunned by the feeling that she could believe him.

Meeting his gaze she realized that he meant every single word. She really saw him, saw all of his love and affection for her and was surprised when she found herself trusting him.

And when he kissed her she didn't pull away. He softly placed his lips on hers, causing her to shiver slightly, while he slowly captured her mouth. He felt her carefully responding to his kiss, returning the soft pressure of his lips against hers.

He could have gone on like this forever but still when they tore apart it felt to him as if an eternity had passed. When he looked at her it felt like he saw her for the first time. There were no walls, she allowed him to look directly into her heart. The intensity of the love he saw there was breathtaking. He noticed that she still was scared to death but he saw the feeling being washed away by a new one: trust.

,Don't worry, Lil. It's alright. You can take all the time you need. I'll always be there for you, but I promise, I'll never push you.''

,Just hug me, so that I can be sure this isn't a dream.''

She replied in a low, slightly trembling voice, filled with emotions he couldn't name.

He pulled her into a tight embrace and held her as close as possible.

They stood there, in front of a small diner and the moon shone on them, while they were standing closed to each other, feeling that they could begin an entire new life. A life without walls but with someone to understand, to love and to be loved back.


End file.
